What In Tarnation?!?!?

I have started to think about the next school year. Specifically the theme.

Each year, there is a school wide theme. As has been the case in the past two years, I run with a subset theme for the school wide theme. For example, last school year, the theme was the old west, I went with a kind of outlaw/wanted poster theme. This year, the theme was movies and I used movie posters everywhere.

It is time to decide on what I want to do next year with the broad theme of Beaches.

A few of my thoughts for “sub-themes”:

• Underwater - totally underwater. No nasty beach sand!
• Luau - the benefit of this is that there are all kinds of cheap luau things at Oriental Trading Company.
• Shells
• Buried treasure/Pirates - The popularity of those insipid Pirates of the Blah, Blah, Blah might have a high interest value with students.
• Other???

So here is were you com into play dear reader, what do you think? Be prepared to defend your answer in the comments below.

Class dismissed!

On either side.

A few questions about reality stars on the right side.

Seen @ Jen’s place.

Class dismissed!

No, really. I HATE you FOX Broadcasting.

First Firefly and now this.

I stalk off to seethe in my rage.

If House wasn’t on FOX I would boycott you.

Grrr ArgH!

Class dismissed!

Previously on WIT?!?!?:

Day One: Comm. Arts
Day Two: Writing

I was watching the Colbert Report last night and enjoyed his Threat Down Top 5 in which he listed the top five things that are a threat to America right now (number one, if you are curious, was bears). I thought it might be fun to do a Threat Down Top 5 for the Math MAP session.

So here now, The MAP Threat Down Top 5! The Five Top things that threaten all my students’ potential “advanced” scores.

5) Manipulatives. The math MAP test comes with a set of manipulatives. A ruler, some purple squares and a few pattern blocks. They sound innocent don’t they? I mean, who can have a problem with hands-on manipulatives? Don’t those kinetic-spacial learners need that kind of help? That’s is awfully kind of DESE to provide such a tool for my students. Well, that is a load. Don’t buy into the lie. You see, the manipulatives are much more amusing than the test. Remember, that intergalactic war made with pencils? Well, the makers of MAP give my students with overactive imaginations a whole fleet of spaceships to stage dogfights with. Let’s not mention the possibility of losing the one manipulative that you need out of the whole bunch. I still wake up in a cold sweat dreaming of the science MAP test that we used to give. They gave our kids a whole flippin’ baggy of leaves with names on them (don’t get me started on the names) and the students had to correctly count all the leaves. That task becomes more difficult when several of your leaves are under the desk next to you because you decided to dump your baggy out on the edge of your desk allowing several of your leaves (normally the leaves named Pedro and Ellen, they were especially frisky) to fall on the floor. Manipulatives are evil. An actual quote from one of my students today that nicely sums up the usefulness of these manipulatives: “Look, I made a conveyor belt out of mine block thingys. The purple boxes start here and they travel along the belt and wind up here!” This of course was sucking up precious brain cycles that could have been used on the test. I should have asked him to name the simple machines used in his invention.

4) Snack - Snack and break time are actually good. I have wonderful parents and wonderful second grade teachers who have generously provided appropriate snacks for my class this year. However, today’s juice containers didn’t make the trip from home to school all in one piece. One of the apple juices was punctured in transit causing all of its appley goodness to coat the other juice containers. When apple juice evaporates it leaves behind a sticky residue. This residue gets on tiny fingers and tiny fingers touch the test and the test gets jammed in the scanning machine somewhere in sunny California. I imagine the worst kind of paper jam. Just like in a copier machine, once you have extracted that paper, there is no grade the tiny shreds that remain.

3) Snot - Today, my class has tripled its production in flem and snot. It is running like milk and honey in the Promised Land from their little noses. That of course puts me on tissue partol. Running a tissue here running one there. Another over there. Not quite as bad as the Dictionary Gold Rush of ‘07 but close. I have developed a system in which I can deliver multiple tissues to a student with minimal effort from me, patent pending of course. I take several tissues and wad them up in a loose ball and launch that sucker across the room. They fly fairly well and fairly accurately. I was quite surprised. I have only missed my target once today. The wad landed on the recipient’s neighbor’s head. I found it amusing. Just now I handed a tissue to my friend sitting next to me. He used it and then tried to hand it back to me. “Thank you,” he politely replied holding out the now snotty rag. “You’ve got to be kidding me, right?” I responded. He realized the faux pax he made and started laughing. He has a rather infectious laugh so I couldn’t help but laugh too.

That brings us to…

2b) Laughing - It just is distracting. Of course people who aren’t laughing and are around laughing people want to be on the joke. Our laughter was the kind that you try to control because you know that you are supposed to be serious but the more you try to control it the more difficult it becomes. Soon half the class was look at us. Some of those got up the nerve to whisper, “What’s so funny?”

2a) Rushing - I have some students that I cannot convince that this test (or any other test for that matter) isn’t a race. Their goal is to be the first one done. It doesn’t matter how many times I say that being the first one done isn’t a good thing. Today was no different and my rushers skipped or ignored important directions. Internally I fumed. Lava pouring out of my ears; them totally clueless as to why they didn’t get any effort tickets. As I collected tests, I pointed out to one of my rushers that the directions say to show your work. He says that he did. “No…” I point out that he only wrote an answer on the line. “That is the work,” he cheerfully said. “What?!?!?” I said, “Since when have I accepted just an answer as showing your work?” He scratches his head as if he is perplexed and I continue, magma pushing further to the surface, ” No don’t strain yourself thinking about this answer… Try just before never. No ticket today.” Still confused he starts to say but… I interrupt him, “You don’t want to go there right now. We will take a survey of the class later to see if they think your answer was showing your work.” I did, and the class agreed with me despite his pleas.

1) Bears - Like Colbert, the biggest threat to test scores would be a bear entering my room. Thankfully that didn’t happen.

A tiny update on Day 3: Lawn mowers showed up outside to mow at 10 am. After confirming that it was indeed mowers I sprinted (hard to imagine, I know) to the phone to report the mowing who could do something about it. I then paused to catch my breath.

And that, friends, brings my MAP Journaling to a close. Hope you enjoyed them.

The way I wrote all of these MAP journals was by typing into an e-mail. The plan was to mail it home and then post it here. On a whim, I decided to e-mail it to my whole building. Folks liked the first one. I mean really liked it. There were threats on my life if I didn’t produce one the next day. Someone forwarded my first message to the other elementary buildings and the e-mails spread like wild fire. I have people coming up to me who I don’t know, thanking me for writing them. I got all kinds of good feedback. My favorite was from a relatively new teacher. They write:

Your emails bring me not only joy, but great relief. I’m thrilled to find out these things don’t happen exclusively in my room.

Oh, and I’ve got one to add to your list. We had a farter during Session II of math. His little bowels whistled Dixie thrice on Thursday. The first sounded quite “liquidy” and I fought the urge to ask him if he needed to wipe. The two aftershocks sounded something like the steamboat whistles we use in our Missouri Program. I’m thankful he hadn’t eaten corn the night before.

I’m not sure how to close an email of this nature. “Sincerely” and “Yours truly” seem a bit out of place after talking about farts.

Flatulently yours,
-Teacher

I think he needs to write them next year. So funny.

Class dismissed!

From Bryan:

Rather than ensnare you in an email chain, let me just instead share what I’ve done and invite you to do the same. Google your first name, followed by “goes” and press ‘enter.’ Then watch the googlerific results spill forth.

So let’s see where I am going.

• Christopher goes to war.
• Christopher goes partying.
• Mr. Christopher goes to town.
• Christopher goes to both the University of Wisconsin - Madison and Chicago.
• Christopher goes by the name Chip.
• Christopher goes outside the apartment to get some fresh air.
• Christopher goes by his full name on the Young Composers Forum.
• Christopher goes and knocks on the door of the missionaries.
• Christopher goes for a session at Murray’s Southside office.
• Christopher goes back in time to 1885.
• Christopher goes to Hollywood.
• Christopher goes missing.
• Christopher goes on to show that the human body is a “theology” because it is meant to be a sign of God’s own life and love in the world.
• Christopher goes on sale today. (Actually it was Christopher, goes on sale today.)
• Christopher goes out on stage and does a solo.
• Chris goes through the bar and out the street door.
• Christopher goes from fear to anger when he discovers Brendan’s fate.
• Christopher goes through adolescence he begins to experiment with LSD, is sent away to boarding school and is virtually ignored by his parents.
• Christopher goes step-by-step through the changes he made with the room as a family sitting area.
• Christopher goes all Web 2.0!
• Christopher goes on his travels.

An finally, I click on the Images tag and found out that Christopher goes to private school!

So where are you going. Leave some in the comments.

Class dismissed!

Previously on WIT?!?!?:

Day One: Communication Arts

Here is Day Two, The Writing portion, aka “My favorite session of testing” (and if you believe that, I have some swamp land in Arkansas I would like to sell you. It is right next to the Corner Store.)

8:45 - After using the bathroom we get up to the classroom and students are signing in. Oddly, I get a whiff of something that smells strangely like poo. “That can’t be good,” I think to myself. I double check to make sure it isn’t me and when it isn’t I hope that the smell goes away.

8:47 - Taking attendance. The smell does not go away. Quite the opposite, it follows the class around. I have narrowed done the list of suspects to a couple of candidates. In the back of my mind, I imagine an invalidated test because of a smear of fecal matter. That would make quite a story.

8:48 - I have pinpointed the source of the poo and send the issue away to be taken care of by more prepared people than myself. Besides, I can’t let anything distract me from the almighty MAP.

9:00 - I have gone through all the teacher speeches and reminders and I am passing out the test. One student absent. There goes our perfect attendance. Dang. I read from my script, “Blah, blah, blah, blah.” The instructions are pretty specific on what the kids should be writing about. 40 minutes on the clock and the students start.

9:00:46 - A hand from a student shoots up from the student who only had two questions answered incorrectly when most of the class was finishing the day before. “So I can just make up any story?” Again. I can feel the rage. “Did you hear the directions I just read?”

“Yes.”

“Do what the directions said.”

“So then I can make up a story?”

“Is that what the directions said?”

“I don’t know.”

I march over to the teacher’s manual and reread the directions.

After I finish she asks, “So I can make up any story I want, right?”

Good merciful heavens! What did I do to deserve this punishment?

Through clenched teeth I say, “Just follow the directions!”

9:05 - Temp is 78 already, I throw open the windows.

9:07 - It begins. And by that poopy pronoun I mean the Dictionary Goldrush of ‘07 begins. The rush happens every year and it happens the same way every year. It occurs during the writing portion of the test. Students can use a dictionary to help them spell words. One of the more “with it” students always asks for one first. Other students notice and probably think something along the lines of: “Well if they need a dictionary, I must need one too.” Never mind the fact that they have never voluntarily gone over and picked up a dictionary to check the spelling of a word all flippin’ year, they all suddenly don’t know how to spell a word. Well they never do it at the same time. It would be nice if I could get several dictionaries at once and pass them out. Noooo. They time it just right so I have to get the dictionaries one at a time.

9:10 - I have passed out 10 dictionaries. All one at a time. It makes it difficult to type this thing. You would think that there were actually gold in those stupid things.

9:12 - Our friend the garbage man returns. This time he seems to have trouble backing in. The back-up beep seems to go on forever.

9:13 - The back-up beep finally stops.

9:15 - I look to the student working next to me. He is staring up at the ceiling. I realize that he has been like that the whole test. I look at his papers. He has nothing written.

“You better get going,” I say.

“I’m still thinking. I am thinking of a title,” he said.

“You don’t have to have the title to start writing.”

We then talk about the prompt. Revealing that conversation, as funny as it was, would be a breech in test security most likely resulting in my being strung up and executed.

I end the conversation and he resumes his staring at the ceiling.

9:20 -  I have passed out another 5 dictionaries.

9:25 - The hand waving and shaking begins. This is of course the universal sign for, “Oww. All this writing is making my hand hurt.” I wave back.

9:28 - A question I get every stinkin’ year was just asked, “Do I have to fill all the pages?” I quickly reminisce about the approximately 900 quazillion times I have said (say it with me) “Your story should have a beginning, middle, and end. If it has a beginning, middle and end with details, then it is long enough.” I snap back to reality. Instead I say, “Follow the directions and the checklist in your book.” She stares back at me as if I haven’t at any point this year answered that same question.

9:30 - I look a my friend next to me. He is still staring at the ceiling. We talk again. Again with test security and all, I can’t divulge the details. He returns to his ceiling staring.

9:37 - He is still staring at the ceiling. I end up bribing him with an extra “Effort Ticket.” That put a fire under his tail. I know that it will all even out in the end. I will make sure it does.

9:40 - Break finally! Today, apple slices, granola bars, and Capri Sun with antioxidants. That should help.

9:55 - Back to work, I pass out “Effort Tickets.” Not everyone gets them this time.

9:58 - 78 degrees again.

10:00 - We begin again. I set the timer with 30 minutes on the clock.

10:01 - The angels from on high have come down to our lowly, depraved world and turned the A/C back on!!!!  Could it be things are going my way?

10:01:37- The fact that my friend next to me is staring at the ceiling again tell me the  A/C coming was just a fluke. I encourage him to keep writing. He says he can’t write good stories. I become short with him and tell him just to finish writing the story.

10:10 - Bored out of my mind, I find my mind wandering. For some reason, the Black-Eyed Peas song “My Humps’” is stuck in my head. This greatly disturbs me. I try replacing the song with “Row, Row, Row Your Boat,” “It’s A Small World After All,”  and “Play That Funky Music.” Nothing works. The stupid song is still stuck in there.

10:16 - My friend next to me is writing again. That is a good sign. He notices me watching him and whispers to me: “I don’t know if people will understand it. But it does make sense.” I give him a confused look and he then clarifies: “See, my stories have bunnies and they are too small to die.” Naturally, I am a little confused on how this relates to the prompt. Undaunted he continues, “The bunnies are all dead but they are too small… See?”

“No. Just finish.”  Silently I agree that maybe he isn’t the greatest story smith that was ever born. The MAP, however, doesn’t require a ripping good yarn for advanced but it does require that it be on topic. Something tells me we missed that criteria.

10:30 - The alarm goes off. Everyone is done. I check all the booklets for eraser boogers and stray marks. I have some nice stories that go with the prompt and then I have some others that are… well… how should I put it… not advanced? I had a nicely formatted letter from the student who didn’t correctly format a letter Tuesday. I had a story about exploding cupcakes, nothing to do the prompt. Someone retold the story from Tuesday in their own words… brilliant! But other than that, pretty good.

No story tomorrow. The third CA section is more teacher directed.

At least I didn’t have to deal with vomit today.

And like half of my kids ended their stories:

THE END.

Class dismissed!

There is a certain mystery around the MAP test among teachers who haven’t given the test. Today, I journaled our test taking time to give a slight glimpse  behind those do not disturb signs. Those who give it or have given something like it will probably nod their head at a few things but everyone will be able to laugh at all of it. It is better than crying about it.

Cheer-e-o then.

8:30 - We get to the room. We clean our desks so nothing gets on the precious test booklets. I give teacher speech 854 variation B entitled “Encouragement for Standardized Test.” Subtitled “You Know All this Stuff, Now is Your Chance to Show Us that You Know It.” I quickly follow with teacher speech 235 entitled, “I’m Am Proud of All Your Hard Work This Year.” I end with a rousing teacher speech 322, “Read a Book When You Are Finished” and I added TS 323 “Make Sure You Have Enough to Read Now Because What You Have At Your Desk May Have to Last You For Awhile,” just for good measure.

8:50 - We begin.

8:58 - Most have finished reading the selection and have started on the questions. One student is still working her way through the first paragraph. Not a good sign for this particular student.

8:59 - First question. One student has run out of room to write on an answers. Seeks my sage advise on what to do. This questions brings about a flurry of questions and needs from “I need a tissue before my runny nose invalidates my test,” to “What do they mean by details?” Upon hearing the last question, I quietly bite my tongue. Haven’t we been reviewing that very concept for that last THREE FRIGGIN’ WEEKS?!?!?

9:10 - Break time. We feast on Kool-Aid Blasts and fruit chews. Break discussion includes a debate on the best flavor of fruit chew. A strong Kiwi contingent comes out early in the discussion but pineapple appears to be favored. Students hypothesize what flavor the blue fruit chew is. The blue fruit chew appears to be universally disliked. The rousing debate is promptly followed by a Kool-Aid chugging contest. I think to myself, “That can’t be good.”

9:18 - We head back to our seats. I hand out effort tickets for the first section. Basically that means if the student is making progress correct or incorrect on the test, they get a ticket. Everyone gets one.

9:24 -  We resume testing.

9:26 - I get my first “I don’t get it” complaint. In my mind, I get discouraged because we have done a million similar problems in class and just went over another one like it late last week.  I inform student that I can’t clarify and I encourage him to reread the directions. He is on the verge of tears.

9:27 - Another complaint about the same question. I don’t like they way the question is set up. I can now hear sniffles from the afore mentioned student. I secretly hope the tears don’t mess up his testing booklet.

9:30 - The peppermint odor has permeated the air from the magical peppermint candle that should increase test scores. I fear it might be too late.

9:31 - Kids are asked in the test to pretend to be someone else. I hate those questions. I get a million “what if…” or “can I…” questions on those. This time is no different.

9:33 - The student I predicted would be finished first closes his test booklet. It appears he has done his normal rush job on this like all of his other work. I will ask him at least seven time over the course of the next thirty minutes if he would like to check over his work. Evidently his work is flawless and he is confident that did everything perfectly because he turns me down with each suggestion. I am confident he needs to spend more time on the test.

9:41 - One of my more “together” students raises his hand and asks what he should do if he can’t completely erase an answer on a multiple choice question that he wants to change. I look at the question and see that he is erasing a correct answer and is preparing to change it to an incorrect answer. I want to say “I would just leave it the way it was in that case,” but instead I say, “You’ll just have to do your best.”

9:44 - Another student raises her hand and says, “I finished my book and I don’t have anything else to read, can I get a different book?” Anger flares deep within my soul. I reply with a Teacher Glare 3 (aka “Glare of Certain Doom) Variation J (”I told you before we started to have enough books to last for awhile.”) She immediately remembers TS #322 and #323 and starts to reread one of her books.

9:45 - I ask if anyone is not done. Half the class is still working. I add 10 minutes n the timer. I glance over at one of my lower students. She has evidently just finished reading the selection and has only answered two questions. Both incorrectly. I curse like a pirate silently in my head.

9:50 - A student asks what is for lunch. I use teacher glare 2 (”This isn’t the best time”).

9:51 - Because of cold temps last week, the A/C has been turned off. The temperature has increased to an unbearable 77 degrees. Since the door must remain close I open all four windows.

9:53 - The garbage man makes a timely visit to empty the dumpster located just below our open windows. All concentration is lost and one students even suggests (without raising her hand) that I go show the trash men the Do Not Disturb sign hanging on our door.

9:55 - Despite the distraction. Only two students are still working on tests. I add more time.

10:00 - Somewhere in the distance, church bells ring on the hour again breaking concentration. Those still working stop and count all 10 chimes. Then they resume testing.

10:01 - Temperature in now 78. I consider removing the screen from my second story window and jumping out. I reconsider and decide that I wouldn’t fit.

10:03 -  Students who have been done for awhile are getting fidgety. Some try to amuse themselves by staging some kind of intergalactic battle with their brand new number two pencils standing in a spaceships. I suggest that the “laser and explosion sounds might be distracting to the one student who is finishing.”

10:07 - The student who pointed out the rudeness of the trash men decides to dismantle her pencil sharpener. This is not a quiet process.

10:08 - The timer goes off for a fifth time. I still have a student working. I add 10 more minutes to the timer and the rest of the class sighs loudly before they slip back into their self-induced coma.

10:10 - The student who asked about lunch asks if we get another snack if I keep adding time. I ask if he ate breakfast this morning.

10:14 - The last remaining student finishes. I ask him to check over his work. He changes several things. We wait.

10:30 - I collect and check books for stray marks and erasures.

11:00 - We triumphantly march down to the butterfly garden for some wiggle time.

Can’t wait for day two: writing.

Class dismissed!

My friend Ganns point out this music video of Foreverandever Etc. by David Crowder Band. What a hoot. Not sure where it came from but it is sure fun. Check it out:

And that cryptic “To be continued…” title card. Hmmm, maybe it isn’t that cryptic.
Class dismissed!